


and that's not what i wanna do

by adelaidebabe (soulless_slut)



Series: i know i'll fall in love with you, baby [1]
Category: Scream (TV)
Genre: ??? i think, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, F/M, Mention of Audrey Jensen/Rachel Murray, Mention of Unrequited Audrey Jensen/Emma Duval, Minor Noah Foster/Zoë Vaughn, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Forehead Kisses, Platonic Hugging, Post-Canon, Realization, Realizing Feelings, i'm cryingg these two are SO important to me, ps characters other than audrey and noah are like brief mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8173649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulless_slut/pseuds/adelaidebabe
Summary: “‘I didn’t want to bother you,’ she says, opting for a semi-truth. She really didn’t want to bother him, mostly because what’s wrong are these possibly-not-platonic feelings she’s having that she wants to deal with without Noah.But, also, because he’s been spending so much time with Zoë—which is fine, it’s fine, she’s his girlfriend—and Audrey doesn’t want to butt into that. Noah deserves to be happy, after everything.Noah kisses the top of her head, holds her tighter, and Audrey’s eyes close.She doesn’t say anything else and neither does Noah.”--aka audrey realizes some non-platonic feelings she has for her favorite person; part 1 of 2





	

**Author's Note:**

> fic and series title from cry baby by the neighbourhood (the song is perfect, please listen to it). so this is part one of me getting audrey and noah together. my babes. so perfect. part two will be along...possibly shortly.
> 
> i kept zoë alive because i like her and i think it's shit that the writers killed her (kieran is still the killer ofc). so the change is that she was still alive when emma and audrey rescued noah, and then they saved zoë, who wasn't hurt as bad other than psychologically. this is unbeta'd and i'm notoriously bad at catching my own mistakes.

It’s subtle at first. Small.

The way her chest feels weird when Noah gives her a certain smile. The way her stomach clenches when she sees Zoë give Noah the softest of cheek kisses.

(She almost walks in on them in the hospital a couple days after Noah’s admitted. Their voices are soft and their smiles are sweet, and Audrey feels the urge to vomit, her stomach clenching and twisting.)

It doesn’t happen all the time. Usually Noah smiles at her the way he always does and her chest does nothing. As long as she doesn’t see Noah and Zoë in action, her stomach remains relatively unclenched.

(Though none of that is compared to the pain that lanced through her chest and stomach when Noah was a victim of the killer. That was worse than whatever this is and she’ll take this over that any day.)

It’s not until Audrey’s hanging out with Emma after everything that she feels an echo of an old feeling—her chest caving—that she realizes what’s going on.

She knows she acts weird throughout the movie, and she knows Emma notices, but she doesn’t know how to ask her for advice. They never really talked about her admission—“You broke my heart.”—and Audrey, frankly, doesn’t want to reopen that conversation. She wants to be able to _have_ this, have Emma as her friend. She feels like if she were to want Emma’s advice about the Noah thing, she’d have to explain how the feelings are similar.

Audrey doesn’t want to do that.

So she keeps her mouth shut and pretends to not know what Emma means when she gives Audrey a look and says, “You know you can talk to me, right?” after the movie, before they drive themselves home.

Audrey says, “Of course,” and hugs Emma before getting in her car.

She hates herself.

But, then again, when doesn’t she?

—

It’s not like she deserves either of them.

—

Not after everything.

—

Audrey doesn’t know what to do. And usually when she doesn’t know what to do, there’s only one place to go.

(It used to be two places: the barn and field she and Emma became friends at; and her mother’s arms. Neither place is accessible to her anymore.)

She visits Rachel. Brings flowers because that’s probably what you’re supposed to do, but also because she never brought Rachel any when she was alive. So Audrey wants to fix that.

She knows it’s likely that she and Rachel wouldn’t have stayed together. Maybe have some big, stupid fight and never see each other again. But they never got there. And Audrey loves her, in the only way you can with your first relationship, with the first person who likes you as much as you like them. She doubts that feeling will ever go away. Maybe numb a little, sting a bit less, but still there.

So she buys Rachel beautiful bouquets and lays them across her grave. Audrey always _feels_ the urge to cry, but it never happens.

And then she talks.

A deep breath. “Emma and I saw a movie the other night. Again. I can’t tell if she’s beginning to forgive me or just trying to take advantage of my employee discount.” A small laugh. “I think I’ve already forgiven her. A long time ago. Almost wish it hadn’t been so easy, but it’s Emma. I missed her.” A pause. “I miss you.”

Audrey stops, digging the palms of her hands into her eyes. She hold her breath for a second, then breathes out, shaky.

“God, I just—. I wish I never wrote to Piper. I wish you weren’t dead. I wish a lot people of weren’t dead, of course, but mostly you. Of course. I mean. I just—.” She stops herself, needing to calm down. She gives a humorless laugh. “Wishing won’t get me anywhere, will it?

“But if you were alive, Noah wouldn’t have confessed his feelings and I wouldn’t be so damn confused. And I don’t mean to sound accusatory, it’s not your fault you’re dead. It’s mine.”

She doesn’t know what to say after that, so Audrey settles for sitting in silence with Rachel, feeling the breeze. It’s comforting, and she likes to imagine that it’s Rachel, reaching Audrey the only way she can now.

It’s stupid and it’s embarrassing, but it’s Audrey’s stupid and embarrassing secret that she cherishes.

After sitting there for what could be minutes or hours, Audrey clears her throat. “Loving you was so easy, Rachel,” she starts. “So easy. Loving Emma was…terrifying and different, and…. Whatever I might be feeling for Noah is also terrifying and different. But you were easy and free and fearless. And I don’t know why Emma wasn’t or why Noah isn’t.” She sighs. “Maybe it’s the best friend thing. Loving you was easy because there wasn’t this, this giant threat of ruining everything hanging over us. We were allowed to just…be.”

 _And I didn’t have all this guilt_ , she thinks, but doesn’t dare say aloud to Rachel. That’s not her burden.

The breeze comes back and Audrey thinks that maybe Rachel knows.

—

She wouldn’t say she starts avoiding Noah. At least, not if he didn’t make it so easy, constantly out on dates with Zoë now that the killer is behind bars.

(And she’s not jealous. She’s not. She just misses her best friend.)

(She hasn’t gone to his house during her episodes, either though, unsure if Zoë will still be there, curled up in his arms.

Audrey just plays _The Notebook_ from her own laptop, using up all her energy, and it’s not even the same.)

She starts nearly twenty texts, all unfinished and all unsent. She doesn’t know what to say.

_I miss you._

_I need you._

_I think I love you._

_I think I always wanted to kiss you, too._

But none of them are fair; he’s with Zoë and he really cares about her.

—

It sucks.

—

Noah stops by one day, while she’s curled up on her bed, barely watching _The Notebook_ (because it doesn’t have the same effect without Noah’s presence). He’s got a smile, big, when he knocks on her open door, a smile he loses when he recognizes a quote or maybe their voices.

His eyes look sad, but Audrey focuses back on her laptop. She doesn’t want to think about the conversation they’re definitely going to have later.

Noah kicks off his shoes and, once again, gets on the bed behind Audrey. He pulls her to him, lightly, cradling her. Begins whispering quotes from the movie into her ear that she eventually starts doing with him.

“‘I wrote you three hundred and sixty-five letters. I wrote you everyday for a year,’” she murmurs, Noah echoing it in her ear. Her chest feels like it’s concaving.

When the movie finishes, Noah silently reaches over and starts it over the from the beginning. Audrey doesn’t know how he does it, but somehow he knows when one play of the movie is enough and when she needs it repeated.

Halfway through it, though, he deviates.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks her quietly.

Audrey tries not to be confused. “I never do.”

“Not about this. About what’s also bothering you.”

Damn.

She was hoping to figure a way out of that conversation.

She pauses for a moment, and then says, “Do we have to talk about it?”

“No,” Noah says. “I did ask if you wanted to. But,” he adds when Audrey dares to feel relief, “just know that I think it would be beneficial regardless if you wanted to or not, and I want to know.”

Audrey doesn’t say anything until the movie finishes.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” she says, opting for a semi-truth. She really didn’t want to bother him, mostly because what’s wrong are these possibly-not-platonic feelings she’s having that she wants to deal with without Noah.

But, also, because he’s been spending so much time with Zoë—which is fine, it’s fine, she’s his girlfriend—and Audrey doesn’t want to butt into that. Noah deserves to be happy, after everything.

Noah kisses the top of her head, holds her tighter, and Audrey’s eyes close.

She doesn’t say anything else and neither does Noah.

—

 _You’re not a bother._

—

It’s a text she gets the next day from Noah.

She smiles and screenshots it, saving it to a hidden folder on her phone.

It’s nice to have something if she needs a reminder.

—

She’s working when Zoë and Noah come in. Zoë smiles at her and it almost feels genuine.

Audrey wonders if Zoë is thinking the same thing about Audrey’s returning smile.

There’s mostly-awkward small talk, and Audrey just hopes that their movie starts soon. She doesn’t know how she’s managed to miss them every time they come here for a date—either in the back or not working—but obviously she’s reached her limit with good luck or good karma or whatever.

Zoë glances at her phone and tugs at Noah’s arm. “Text me later!” is Noah’s parting thought with a wide smile. A wide smile in turn directed at Zoë. Both of them wave at Audrey before disappearing.

She doesn’t even other to wave back. She hopes her shift ends before their movie does.

—

It doesn’t, but she’s more prepared to pretend she’s _so_ busy.

—

She only feels a little guilty.

Guilty enough, though, that she does text Noah after work, not really expecting him to answer.

But he does, with a, _Wanna come over and try to take down the reigning champ in brawl?_ , in response to her, _I’m out, what’s up?_.

She texts, _Last I checked, I was champ_ , and gets in her car to make the drive to his. Before she starts her car, Noah sends, _That was a millennium ago, slacker_.

“Prepare to eat your words, Foster,” Audrey says under her breath, texting him exactly that.

It’s a fleeting thought, the thought that Zoë might still be there, that she’ll quietly judge and fume until Noah kicks Audrey out. But it’s a fleeting thought for a reason, and Audrey doesn’t focus on it.

—

Zoë isn’t there when Audrey arrives, and Audrey pretends she’s not relieved.

—

It gets late, really late, so late it’s early, by the time Audrey wins for the fifth consecutive time. Despite Noah’s protests of, “My eyes were burning too much to focus,” and “I think I blacked out a couple times,” and “I wasn’t Toon Link, you know how much I suck without him,” Audrey still does a victory walk around Noah’s room, arms up and the occasional bow to Noah’s stuff.

She lies down on Noah’s bed while he shuts down the game and TV, putting everything back in its place. When he practically collapses next to her, Audrey makes to get up.

But Noah grabs her arm and pulls her back down. She glances at his face, notices his closed eyes, and he says, “Stay the night. I don’t want you crashing from exhaustion.” His voice is tired and Audrey just doesn’t have the heart to protest.

She feels a strange kind of lightness that she hasn’t felt in a while when Noah cuddles up to her sleepily.

Audrey falls asleep, and she thinks she’s smiling when it happens.

—

It goes to hell, or something like it, in the morning.

—

Audrey only gets about three or four hours of sleep, so she can’t be blamed for how long it takes her to fully get going when she and Noah are woken suddenly.

By Zoë.

But Audrey doesn’t know it’s Zoë, thinks instead that it’s Noah’s mom—who’s seen them in, frankly, worse positions than cuddling—so she doesn’t try hard to wake up, opting to tuck her face in Noah’s neck instead.

It isn’t until a distressed, “Noah!” reaches her ears that she realizes that that’s not Martha’s voice. But she’s still slow and tired, and must not un-cuddle herself from Noah fast enough because there’s a door slam that really wakes her brain.

It must fully wake Noah because he’s scrambling out of the bed, yelling, “Wait! Zoë!” and Audrey hadn’t realized how much warmth in the bed was because of him.

She thinks that Zoë might not have realized just how close they are.

—

When Noah doesn’t come back in five minutes, she figures he must have caught up to Zoë. Whether he caught up inside our outside is anyone’s guess.

All Audrey knows is that she doesn’t want to stumble into them and continue making the situation worse.

So she does what she hasn’t needed to do in a while, something she hasn’t done since Martha told her, “Please use our spare key, I know Noah showed you where it is. I can’t sleep if I’m too worried about you falling from Noah’s window.”

She climbs out Noah’s window.

The memory of how she used to do it comes back, and she pretends she doesn’t feel guilty.

—

When she gets home, she texts Noah, _Sorry_ , and doesn’t check her phone by the time she has to leave for work.

—

Audrey thinks she should be surprised, but isn’t, when she finishes closing and finds Noah waiting for her.

He’s leaning  against his car, parked in the back near her car, on his phone.

Audrey’s heart clenches.

“Hey,” she says, walking slowly up to him.

He looks up at her and clicks off his phone. “Hey,” he says back. “You never answered my texts.”

“I never checked my phone.”

Noah says a soft, “Oh,” and then fidgets a bit, passing his phone back and forth, back and forth, between his hands.

Audrey doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t know what to say. All she does is watch Noah, hating that she feels unsure, hating that it feels like their relationship is hanging off a branch over a cliff drop, a branch that keeps getting weaker and bending lower, near breaking.

Audrey doesn’t want that branch to break. Doesn’t want them to fall into that abyss.

It feels like it had, only a bit ago, when Noah thought she was the killer, and began acting weird and keeping his distance. When she kidnapped them and accidentally lead to his confession.

(Of course, she finally told him the truth, too, and it _fixed_ them, so some good came out of it.)

(Noah is leagues braver than her.)

(Or maybe it was just the threat of death he thought was hanging over them.)

(But isn’t the possible end of their friendship similar?)

(Audrey doesn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t have Noah in her life anymore.)

“I’m asking again,” Noah says finally, tucking his phone into his pocket. “What’s bothering you, Audrey?”

“That’s not what you originally asked,” Audrey points out because this time, he isn’t asking _if_ she wants to talk about it; this time, he just wants to know.

Noah doesn’t verbally say anything, but his face and eyes tell her that he’s not letting it go.

She could run, but does she really want to?

She could try to lie, but does she really want to?

“What do you want me to say, Foster?” she says, exclaims really, and it feels like unleashing a dam. “That—that since you confessed possible non-platonic feelings for me, it started playing in my head? That now I don’t know what I feel exactly? But it doesn’t matter because you and Zoë are finally that sickly happy couple and I want you to be happy, so I wouldn’t fuck with that. I wouldn’t,” she repeats because Noah looks thunderstruck.

“I didn’t want to tell you _because_ you’re in a relationship and it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Noah’s quiet and Audrey’s quiet, and she doesn’t know if she should stay quiet or try to explain more.

But then Noah’s eyes glance toward her lips and Audrey’s throat catches. She knows that he wants to kiss her. Which means that, maybe, his feelings hadn’t gone away.

He want to kiss her and she kind of wants to kiss him, too.

He wants to kiss her and she can’t let that happen.

(And not just because he’s with Zoë.)

“Is that what you wanted to hear?” she asks quietly.

Noah blinks and seems to come back to himself, as if he hadn’t realized what his eyes had done. “I wouldn’t say it’s what I wanted,” he says. “Definitely not what I expected. But I’m glad you told me.”

He extends an arm, barely able to grab ahold of Audrey’s sleeve, and pulls her to him—though he’s only able to do that because she allows him to. Noah wraps his arms around her in a hug, and Audrey hugs him back.

“I’m glad you told me,” he says again, gripping her tighter. “I love you, Audrey Jensen.”

She smiles into his shoulder and squeezes him tighter, too. Feels the branch their relationship was hanging on heal and strengthen, feels the drop solidify beneath them. “I love you, too, Foster.”

**Author's Note:**

> ha, you thought they were getting together at the end. nope! they've still got a bit to go. spoiler: noah and zoë are already broken up; that was in one of the texts noah sent audrey. i want to clarify that because of the whole noah-looks-at-audrey's-lips and i want it to be clear that i don't condone cheating, i hate cheaters, and no one is cheating in my fic. i don't have a bullet list for this one (yikes) so just find me on tumblr @ [fosterjensen](http://fosterjensen.tumblr.com/) if you want me to write you one.


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